"Be the change you want to see".

Encounter

To overflow with happiness as I do, I could simply cry take me away today, I want to feel this forever!
Something has been missing for a few years, I thought I knew how to get it back, how to fill the empty puncture that aches ever single night...excruciatingly positioned above my heart .

With each cry for help I was asking for everything, I wanted to be where I knew I should be. I screamed for answers, I believe I gave up on myself but amazingly you never did and you kept giving me enough strength to try again.
I reached a point where I questioned you, “are you even there”? Come on prove it, if your here for me, how come you’re not answering me! That hurt reaching that point, I’d never felt so empty, you should have gave up after that remark, but you never gave up, in fact from the very first moment I started demanding answers you had actually been right there telling me, I just couldn’t hear it. I only needed to drop the selfish shield, stop crying, quite myself and listen to you. You were there the whole time; you were patiently calling me and telling me the answers I needed. But I simply never heard it over my selfish cries.
It was only this weekend when I stopped and listened and I heard you!
You gave me the answer, I was trying to fill the missing part with the wrong thing, the answer and the reason was “you”.
I was missing you.

I thought I knew you, I thought I heard you, but deep down I couldn’t feel you.
That has CHANGED you have filled me again.
I will listen and walk for you forever.


You are my solution always, I could never walk away from that, ever.




I feel stronger than I have ever.

Fall for your word, fall for you. Fallen

For, Monday 13.07.09
I refrained from writing this the moment I fell.
I have realised that everything I write about you comes back.
I don’t want you to come back.
I don’t want to fall for you, or your words.
I don’t know how to prevent it, by it I mean you, I don’t know how to get you out of my head, other than giving up.
I feel so strong when I write that I will (give-up), but there’s something in your words that keeps me holding on.
What was it?
I’m giving up, I don’t can’t want you anymore,


...because I’m so afraid of falling harder.

Prayer: To genuinely smile again

If I didn’t have these two I would not be here.
1. Faith
2. Hope
I would have walked long-long ago.

If it was not for you, I know I would not be putting my heart through the yearlong aches. But I thank you because at worst you are giving me hope and I’m building faith, as I desire to discover why all the hurt will be worth it.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhh Help me forget the doubts, which obviously I falsely thought I’d conquered. I’m sick of stumbling; I want to be where I was! I’m not even asking to be better, I strive for this simple request to meekly be what I ‘used to be’.

I know not to look at the past, I’ve had three years to learn that one, but STILL nothing, nothing is releasing a hint of progress in the present. I want to run to a place a place with an edge, tempt myself however only scream, releasing the desperation that is building up with every consecutive fail. I don’t have an edge to scream from so I just stand level and attempt to scream as i produce... ‘silence’.

As I strive for my goals, I will disguise my desperation with silence.
I’ll talk to you in my silence; I’m leaving plenty of room for an answer.

Whatever I try.. I can’t win.

But, If I don’t try.. I can’t win.

How do I win?

Help me find the answer?

Faith and Hope, is all I have left to try.




Every effort I where your symbol above my heart, to remind myself ‘faith’ in you, while I also know this equally represents faith in myself too.
Help me win this, four trying years is something I fear will pull me down and... away. Please help me find the answer, don’t let me fall short again. Please please please. Desperate.


So finally I pray for a smile, this is all I hope for.



-

Trite Imitation

Rip the words right out of my heart.

Words I strongly recalled so suddenly had no significance, not the slightest meaning.

I'll find my own words from now.

Trite. I scream as the shreds dances through the air.


I am okay, now.

Genuinely Smile Again

Today you said to me, "...you will this year".

"You will"

I haven't seen it, but I'm doing everything to make it.
I trust you,
I trust change,
I trust your words.


I'm holding onto your words, as I work on the reply ..."I will".




COLONCLOSEDBRACKET.

Rebounds

It's simple, I'm walking.
Walking away.
It's not simple, when I'm running.
Running back.
...for your call.

Take a deeper look; through the blurr, it's me with the grasp.
I have control, always did and always will.
I'm not your crash mat; I'm your last choice.
Thanks though.


I wish you had 'difference', my mind tries to believe it, and I see glimpses more than often but every time I really try to believe I look deeper and read beLIEve.

t-f-b

Know what you want to do, hold the thought firmly,
do everyday what should be done,
and every sunset will see you that much nearer the goal.

My own.

For the first time I don't mind.



.

the twitch of your hand

please... just cut the stings, i can't bare another fall.

Nothing stands in your way when you're after something you love.

We put our bodies on the line, to chase our greatest dreams, endless sacrifice is made and when the time finally comes to perform on the stage that has the power to realise champions or cowards in a split second or grant heart break and disappointment or tears of joy and the ultimate feeling of being in 'the zone' feeling absolutely nothing but flight. When you walk on this stage you will let nothing stand in your way because you're after something you love.
This is Derek Redmond, he loved.

This is Courage.

Nothing will stand in your way when you’re after something you love.
If you can say otherwise, than you simply didn't 'love' it.

Watch this video, this is courage.

Perseverance.

Heart.

Too proud to tell you i was wrong.

Too strong to tell you I was sorry
Too proud to tell you I was wrong
I know that I was blind, and ooh...
I don't know why I did the things I did I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons they wound sometimes. (Cher, If I Could Turn Back Time)

How come it's in the reflection that you realise the image you carried? Why can't we see who we are before we make a drastic (often devastating) effect on something or someone?
I'm sorry but people who are too proud to say 'sorry I was wrong', are trying to live in a world of one and I am happy to let you find this out when your left standing on your own, lacking praise and glory for every ensuing time that you might be right... because nobody is going to be there to see you. You think you’ve made the right decision once again, but I don't know if you have or haven't, it must have felt powerful to pack up suddenly, but I looked at it as running, running because of fear, maybe just maybe you did realise you were wrong, and the fear slowly built up and boi was it evident, words spread quickly and rallies were passing everywhere, but you were too proud to admit it.
Let’s change the angle, I’ll put the spin on the next ball you thought, I will win this, I will not lose my pride.
So you enforced the pressure, to mask the unsettlement, however it realistically provoked more discontent. Finally some moved on and this threat carried on to you, this caused fear. You ran, the only way you thought you could keep your pride. It must have felt strong at the time, wow it must have felt good. I wonder what it feels like now to be standing on your own, far away from what you loved.

when you ran, you undid 5 years just like that, too keep a little bit of pride. In my eyes not that it matters to you, I see no pride, only fear. I could have given up when it got tough long ago, but I didn’t, and now YOU have. You just undid all your words... "When the going gets tough, you get tougher" I am ever so grateful for the way you changed my life but I have now got new hope. I am excited, you, you are going to catch your reflection sooner or later and stare in regret, as you struggle to find the thing that gave you pride.

Unfortunately your pride has killed.

(Thanks for the Great times; I will take them with me as I CONTINUE)

Trying to shape the second identity.

A realisation of the barrier presented in cyber communication...

Needed to vent this somehow! grrrrr get over yourself. I hate how people can say anything, absolutely anything 'online', absolutely anything in a message, absolutely anything in a letter absolutely anything in a sms.... they call themselves strong, having a way with words...but the funny thing is, the minute its reality they are nothing, like every word was nothing, like it was never said? Well it’s true, why... because it was never ‘said’.

What I have come to believe is, there is two lives now, the cyber and the real life.

The cyber life consists of people who you text all the time, or the people you chat online to all the time, the delayed conversations posted on online webpage’s and the fake edited images exposing you as something you may aspire to be like but for certain is nothing like the real you. Then you have the life in which is reality, it consists of the ones you talk to in person all the time, the image that is really you, the image you can’t edit or escape no matter how much makeup you can afford or can’t afford to change your image, you have to live with it and sometimes this then results in the quieter ‘version’ of you because you have nothing to run and hide behind if you have a point to make.

You are thus constantly all about image.

Sometimes the ones you talk to online your barely make an effort to speak in person, everything just changes? It’s just weird, no it’s frustrating. Having to meet and please so many sides of one person, then try and make a fit to find which sides suit your sides. I guess who ever came up with the saying ‘split personality’ had identified this two sided species. This isn’t anyone in particular it’s simply everyone in particular.

I believe I fall victim and at the same time commit to the ‘crime’ myself. I think I’m tougher, or maybe it’s a matter of ‘feeling’ tougher with words but the instant it’s in person I fall back and feel the need to run and hide if I was to speak my real opinion, or always find myself swallowing my words that so closely feel need to be diving of the tip of my tongue.

But I want to make a change. Screwwww the barrier it’s so weak. If you have something to say... say it in person or it is not worth it. Words mean nothing. Words mean something when spoken and demonstrated by actions. No one will listen to you otherwise...because no one can listen to words on a screen on a letter. You begin to hear your thoughts as they pick up the words and make their own dance and create their own tune; this is where the communication barrier is present. The intended interpretation is also lost and the mind then has the ability to think and assume 98765434567 things in the time you’ve read the first word. (Something that simply couldn’t happen in face to face confrontation, there’s certainly not enough time to be doing that and your probably in a state of worrying about too many other things to be assuming anything but understanding of the tone and context the person is delivering at.)

But to anyone who is adamant on abusing behind the keyboard of their mobile or the screen of their computer or the paper of their letters... You are only as tough as your keyboard..and my keyboard just broke its missing letters thanks to my vacuum, how pathetic is that!

If you’ve got something to say to me, then I (not the person next to you, who you assume may eventually spread it along the grape vine of gossip so that eventually come to me. Similar to the game Chinese whispers...who has ever heard the final version of the story to sound the same as the first version of the story that started off.)

I want to hear it first hand, not see it; I only want to hear it, hear it from you. There is a difference between what wants to be said and what needs to be said, make sure you can establish that. If you can’t find the courage to say something that needs to be said in person then don’t fall to the weakness and say something behind a pathetic barrier so that you can better improve your second side, want to be, fake identity. Be you, speak what you 'can' say, say what you 'need' to say.

Can you really carry out any actions to your words? Got something to say, would you say it face to face, or are you just a bunch of words stringed together for good impressions.*

Think about that.